mémoires aigres-douces

exodiamond @ 2009-09-25T11:15:00

2009-09-25T03:20:15Z

it's the third week now, and i'm just getting myself adapted to the whole we're-no-longer-in-sch... BUT, it's a sudden change now that i'm soooooooooooooooo not used to when i've just gotten used to the routine of the first two weeks. how bout that? how sucky can it still get...? obviously, i am very much aware that its not gonna be easy, but then again, i'm human. i need time to adapt slowly. its like a rollercoaster ride right now and i hardly caught my breath.

that sudden emptiness lingers ...

exodiamond @ 2009-09-24T13:20:00

2009-09-24T05:37:24Z

I JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW, SOMETIMES IT HURTS.

we had a small squabble last night and i rmbed very clearly that boyf said 'sometimes i'm confused when you do things...'
actually, i'm aware of the confusion but what often gets me annoyed is, it seems to me that he isnt putting in enough effort to try to understand why i am acting/reacting that particular way.

i'm impressed and am very proud of myself, i was so agitated last night, as if a bomb was gonna explode in no time but somehow i managed to fuse my anger in time. he looked at me with a puzzled look and said 'why are you acting as if its alright right now?' i was quick to ans and the only reason i had was, why shld i get all-so-pissed when at the end of the day, he's just gonna look at me wondering why am i throwing my temper again, being unreasonable etc... and still, he doesnt understand. i felt that i've grown alot from this relationship, i've learnt to be more patient cause not everyones' mind can come up with an ans as quick as mine, to control my temper cause not everyone understands or might misinterpret what i'm trying to imply etc... one thing that i'm pretty disappointed in is, after being together for 6mths plus, somehow it doesnt seem to me like he understands me when i'm just me. a girl who looks for nothing but love, care, concern, sensitivity, understanding, rational yet cheers me up despite me being happy or upset. it prolly doesnt sound alot to me, but i knw that its alot for him altogether. we're learning as we go along =))

exodiamond @ 2009-09-18T13:46:00

2009-09-18T05:53:09Z

I WANT I WANT!
I'VE BEEN WANTING SINCE A LONG LONG WHILE =((

blackbird fly - pink.

black slim devil wide & white slim angel wide.

exodiamond @ 2009-09-17T12:37:00

2009-09-17T04:45:00Z

something happened ytd that caused me to cry myself to slp once again. it's been so long since i last cried my heart out. woke up this morning feeling like crap with swollan eyes and my body feeling the crappest. i'm supposed to meet the bestfriend at 1, but i'm not ready and in any condition to leave house now, so i've pushed back the time. hopefully, i can take my mind off things ltr. need it so badly!

a few days back i dreamt that i was carrying a baby, how innocent and all just looking at me. decided to search for the meaning.
PS: a few posts back, i dreamt about partying and i dreamt about partying yet again ytd. i think i've been pretty coped up, need to relax and release those tensions building up inside =((

back to where i was, dreaming about carrying a baby...
the meaning was rather meaningful, i felt.

To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential. If you dream that you forgot you had a baby, then it suggests that you are trying hide your own vulnerabilities; You do not want to let others know of your weaknesses. If you dream that you are on your way to the hospital to have a baby, then it signifies your issues of dependency and your desire to be completely care for. Perhaps you are trying to get out of some responsibility. If you are pregnant, then a more direct interpretation may simply mean that you are experiencing some anxieties of making it to the hospital when the time comes.

exodiamond @ 2009-09-14T11:23:00

2009-09-14T03:30:28Z

ytd saw us celebrating our 6th monthasary, with very simple plans for the day.
Sushi Teh at Town, visiting Aaron at his workplace, chilling at Starbucks, dinner with the guys and back to his nest to watch some stupid but hilarious production of Singapore.

just something to share. on our way to Town, i heard this particular song playing over the radio and i got quite addicted to it.

it wasnt easy these 6mths, both you and i had to go through things we never expected to, our trust and faith was put to the test over and over again these 6mths. as much as we thought of giving up, we didnt, and i'm really thankful we didnt decide to.

the road ahead will never be easy for sure, the transition period and adaptation we have to go through, but i believe we're much stronger now to walk through it together. to begin with, no one said getting into a new reationship will be easy =))

one thing's for sure, the amount of pain and hurt i've been through these 6mths, i still love you. i'm learning now, that my past shall stay as my past. on my part, i will definitely work towards my goal of healing that inner scarred self, learn to be more patient and control my temper.

i'm not perfect, but i'm willing to learn as we walk the days ahead together.

exodiamond @ 2009-09-10T01:59:00

2009-09-09T18:02:44Z

why isit so that when someone gets too comfortable with you, they start testing your patience?

like seriously, it just keeps happening to me and its just getting way too annoying for me.
dont take it for granted when i'm nice.
my patience has worn thin after so much and whats left isnt alot to be any nicer.

exodiamond @ 2009-09-04T11:53:00

2009-09-04T04:05:32Z

i've got something up my sleeve, it was since mths back but due to circumstances i wasnt able to make it happen the past few mths, but i never once forgotten bout it. it's not the best to receive for someone with that background, but its the best i can give for someone with my background.

=)
cant wait for next sun!
*hope that it's gonna be a pleasent surprise

exodiamond @ 2009-09-03T00:10:00

2009-09-02T16:16:25Z

something i just came across that can describe clearly how i felt that period of time.

Some of which, the damage is irreversible.
Which is why, in any relationship, it’s all about trust…
Trusting each other, and keeping the trust.
Trust is not an easy thing to build in a relationship, it may be initially present from the beginning, but it needs to be constantly affirmed.
Any small mistake can shake it, and it is almost impossible to rebuild it once it’s broken.
...........

“Trust, until the trust is broken.
Have no doubts until guilt is proven”

so what happens next if proven guilty i wonder...

exodiamond @ 2009-09-02T18:55:00

2009-09-02T10:57:22Z

no matter how genuine and ~~perfect~~ one seems, friends do change at the end of the day.

thank goodness, a handfull of great ones i have beats a world full of fake ones.

exodiamond @ 2009-09-01T13:50:00

2009-09-01T05:56:41Z

i need sometime alone, away to think.
whats honesty and trust, can anyone define it to me?

i wish something can make me happy, no long that simple like chocolates and waffles with ice-cream.
the older we get, the more we seek and ask for...

exodiamond @ 2009-08-31T13:41:00

2009-08-31T05:43:09Z

chanced upon this on a friend's blog and i felt very strongly for it, gave me alot to reflect on.
here is it for you guys to reflect on and improve on your relationship as well =))

“I love you” means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. “I love you” means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.”

it's been 3days, i miss you.
absence makes the heart fonder and i guess i'd never expected myself to feel this sudden emptiness. makes me wanna treasure more time i have with you since we'll barely have any in future days.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-26T18:48:00

2009-08-26T10:58:48Z

every girls wants a bright future with their other half, and to get that bright future both should be striving towards that goal instead of only constantly saying... words are just words at the end of the day.

i'm not asking my other half to worth millions, just enough to have a smooth sailing life together.
i tell myself everyday that i've said enough, often said too much that people will never ever appreciate esp. you. yet as everyday passes by, i never fail to still say as much and thats cause i freaking care. still, its never appreciated!

last paper is tmr, i saw how 'much' studying you did for your first and the many previous but thats your nature and i never wanted to comment even though at the end of the day, i know the blame will get shifted to me. all i've been trying is to let you know how worried i am, as well as your family, knowing how you cant cope yet you choose to let everything slip by. having born in a wealthy family is a bliss that never should be taken for granted but you never know how fortunate you are. you want this and that, say so much i know its impossible for me to have, but i often keep silent. i've had my fair share of good times like this, though it was shortlived but at least, i dare say i'm dependent enough on myself to a certain extend to not have my parents to worry for me.

it's not as if i dont understand. studies, i've never been good in them since young, often having just passed grades but i'm thankful my parents dont pushed me that hard to ace them. though comparison with others are so unavoidable, i tell myself as i went ahead with my decision when i forgo the chance to enter poly, my aim is to get my cert and prove to my parents i'm not a failure when my mum felt i've wasted so much money and time of her's investing in me. before i started sch, sis said to me 'you chose that route and you have daddy and my support, we are not going to push you to study, you are old enough to think about your own future... get the cert, make them proud and good grades will just be a bonus....' that, i'll never forget. no matter how lazy and tired i am of sch, assignments and exams, when i fail a paper, i constantly remind myself that last chance are hard to come by and sub paper is like my last chance in life. to get them cleared to save any excess money spend for nothing, and i did it...

all you have in mind is i do not understand you, but seriously, after so much i've said to you...
how much do you understand me?
i very much want to stop saying anymore, but i dont have the heart to do so. as your gf, everyone can leave you but in bad times i'm still here standing by your side but will you ever realise those harsh words i've said to you when i'm pissed are filled with so much love, care and worry...

you never will...

exodiamond @ 2009-08-26T17:34:00

2009-08-26T09:50:49Z

well lately, i seemed to be happily tired yet unhappily exhausted. contradicting i know!
things with the boy have been, exhausting cause things that annoys me the most are on repeated mode. which i've said uncountable amount of time, i'm tired! i prolly am at my super unpatient stage right now, everything annoys me cause i simply just wanna feel happy and pass everyday feeling light hearted but seems impossible somehow.

i guess one good improvement i've felt from myself is, i've toned down alot. regardless whatever shit happens, it no longer bugs me that much, i've kindah resigned to fate that things are simply just gonna keep going on this way. bad mentality but if this is the only way from stopping myself from harming my own body with any more anger gas, it'll do just fine =))

results are out, POM was definitely a miracle which means one paper lesser to mug for. BE is my last obstacle, once cleared, hello working world. *totally not excited =/ maybe after all these years of studying which i really hate, this new chapter of life thats gonna open seems to make me miss times in sch cause working life and slogging my ass off till 1234567...years is scaring the shit out of me seriously.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-19T11:45:00

2009-08-19T03:46:35Z

if you really care, dont come and go as you pls cause... i'll not be here forever.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-15T13:36:00

2009-08-15T05:54:48Z

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it was a few years back when i felt no one could have protected me better. in a way, i least expected myself to appreciate but i somehow did. i saw the good from everything mean and everything hurtful said. it was tiring witnessing everything, what more when i was the one experiencing it. the best thing was, we never once did made clear of how we felt. given a choice, i still will have done the same. that was why i still have all the beautiful memories till this day.

today, two years plus after, you've been confessing how regretful you felt cause you felt after listening and witnessing everything, you could have taken better care of me. truthfully, i appreciated the amount of effort you've put in, the number of times you've reflected to come up with this conclusion. sad to say, it had already ended there, just like how i told you. having it not started, gave me a clearer picture of you, that chapter of life you wish to have, i knew it wouldnt turn out the way we expect.

till date, you've never left cause you're still showing me that you wish to turn ard that decision you failed to make then, to make me yours. it was also everything i'm glad i stood firm, cause i valued our friendship too much to have it started and risk losing a friend like you.

i am already gone, no matter how you wish to turn back time. i belong to someone else now. no matter what you say or what you do, i am and will only be here for you like a friend should. and no words can describe how thankful i am having you always here.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-15T13:02:00

2009-08-15T05:22:22Z

'cept for the close ones, the supposedly closer ones (blood is thicker than water) seems to always be siding opposite. no matter what i do, they dont/wont see the hurt cause i've grown up learning to keep it to myself or to my friends.

he is a nice guys you shldnt...
why did you guys quarrelled again...
etc etc etc..

when will it be, what i always dreamt of, like in every other families.
what happened girl...
did he do something to make you upset...

come and think about it, it prolly will never ever happen.
since young, mummy taught me to always consider ppl's feelings when i intend to do something, but in the process of always considering how everyone feels, they seemed to take how i feel for granted. my words got blown into the wind like its not impt at all. having to constantly adjust how i am to compromise, ppl take it for granted that it is only right that i accept how/who they are, but myself, it is never accepted.

when you're at the end of the road
and you lost all sense of control
and your thoughts have taken their toll
when your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
your faith walks on broke glass
and the hangover doesnt pass

exodiamond @ 2009-08-14T13:39:00

2009-08-14T05:41:28Z

exodiamond @ 2009-08-12T19:41:00

2009-08-12T11:45:18Z

such a simple task can posed such a high level of difficulty, that it can be forgotton so easily.
i dare not imagine how you will handle major tasks. it was just plainly offing the lights. goodness!

no wonder i stopped moving forward, cause stationary left and right seems way better.
and the saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side. HAH. no wonder so.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-12T12:48:00

2009-08-12T04:52:17Z

guess what i dreamt of after that very interesting confession the bestfriend made, partying!
and i even went Yahoo to find out the reasoning for it.

Psychological Meaning:
This dream can indicate the pleasures of life and particularly social interaction. You may simply feel that you need to get out more and enjoy the company of others. The nature of the party and your feelings will reveal your hidden hopes and fears.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-11T18:16:00

2009-08-11T10:21:19Z

heart to heart talk with bestfriend was good. no one knws me better than her =))

i totally agree, in a relationship there's so much one has to compromise but in the midst of compromising, many often lose themselves in the process. i have, i guess she too.

so many times, when you look back, you'll ask yourself, it that was you.
so many times i looked back in regret, cause i lost myself so many times.
having a break is a good idea, even if it was for a day.

babe, we'll enjoy soon. we will cause we've been too caught up with everything, we havent gave ourselves a deserved fun time out.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-11T17:24:00

2009-08-11T09:41:57Z

why make me take a step back and allow me to hesitate the next?

everything i'm able to do, i have. or at least, i've tried.
i've always known somehow things seemed to be on repeated mode.
the pain, the hurt, the only diff, the scenario. seriously, how much diff does that make?
i wish the amount of pain and hurt would be considered, but how many would?

so many qns but who can say whats right and whats wrg?
so many times, i feel like i've did nth wrg, so many times he felt he was right.
at the end of the day, wont the conclusion of everything be the same?

apologize apologize apologize... (me, not him)
why constantly me if the hurt and pain just seem to get excruciating by the day...

i wanna relate to someone who understands, someone who will heal me, take me away from everything.
second thoughts seem to be lingering ard, how much longer? how much energy do i have left before...?

save me. will you? somebody. pls.
When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry

exodiamond @ 2009-08-10T13:17:00

2009-08-10T05:38:47Z

who needs to be flooded with what nots, when the best thing in life is simply just feeling happy every day =)
i've been and i'm grateful and appreciative of that. nothing beats it, i'm sure!

am not exactly a fan of town, i'd definitely prefer somewhere quiet to chill and relax anytime as compared to the buzzing city. so anyway, Aaron, baby and i ended up in town having no plans for National Day. it was rather fruitful i'd say, delish durian puffs i treated them to and Tako Balls treated by Aaron. Taka's toy section, which somehow them, guys seems to love. afterwhich we explored one of the new additions in town, ION. we were almost lost. hilarious i tell you!

over to Bedok to pick Eng How up, and L4D it was for us again. i never seem to get sick of it with their company, hearts this three others combination to bits&pieces.

i might not have the best planned National Day as others, but it sure was enough for me =))

exodiamond @ 2009-08-06T12:06:00

2009-08-06T04:13:08Z

its like a sign of relief, to share whats been bothering me all along to someone who understands the situation before judging me. really enjoyed laughing like a nutcase sometimes, at least i'm feeling happy =))

thks! =))

exodiamond @ 2009-08-05T18:35:00

2009-08-05T10:47:05Z

i need a sense of direction.
i thought i have decided deep down that working was the best choice but i'm starting to hesitate now. why now after contemplating for so long? as much as i wish i can get that job, i'm wondering if its a wise choice, so many other factors are in the way. so many encouragements yet a couple of reluctance.

i'm not strong enough. not this time at least.

like what baby said, i'm already halfway there to completing what i intended to...
but mentally, i'm not ready. i've been struggling, i struggled through the whole 8mths. have i not given up now, it's just another 2yrs but... i dont want to be a burden, neither a disappointment to any. financially, it's gonna take a huge toll on the family and indirect pressure for me to excel...

when i fell really sick that day, daddy and i had a good long heart-to-heart talk.
he felt that its my call, whatever decision i make, they feel that i'm old enough to find my own directions. my fears for being a disappointment wasnt they're main concern, they felt proud enough that i've came to where i am after all those fooling ard during school days.

its an internal battle, a huge sense of not belonging anywhere.

exodiamond @ 2009-08-05T12:00:00

2009-08-05T06:05:26Z

i've lost tracked of how long i havent been to the beach, two days back the guys and i went to ECP to skate.
as surprised as i am, having not skate for years, it was really nice being in them. enjoyed the peace and quietness of the surrounding, the breeze of relaxation i call it.

i guess being away and escaping reality for awhile was worth it.
Aaron was really sweet the whole time taking good care of Eng Hao and i, being a pro he was we were definitely really slow but he was really patient and attentive to us =))